The power of words and the difference they make in our lives
Do you cringe when someone says, “I shouldn’t have eaten that…” or “You should start…” The word “should” is such a loaded word - it carries a lot of judgement and can derail the behavior or habit you are trying to fix. Here are some examples:
“I shouldn’t eat that brownie.” Instead try, “I want to eat that brownie, but today I gave up sweets for two weeks.”
“I should have exercised longer.” Instead try, “I want to add a little time to my exercise routine so I am getting the most from my effort.”
“I should be a better parent to my kids.” Instead try, “How can I be a better parent to my kids?"
I should avoid sugary drinks because my doctor said it raises my blood pressure. Instead try, “I want to avoid sugary drinks because my doctor said it raises my blood pressure.”
If you change these sentences around so they fall closer in line with what you are trying to avoid, you may find more success. Another implication of this word, is that you do not have control over your situation or that you are implying to someone else that they don’t have control over their situation. When in fact, you do have complete control over the choices you are making (as does the other person) and it is good take ownership of your choices.
Another effective way to communicate your feelings or emotions are to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. This places the burden of the issue on yourself and in the process, may make you evaluate exactly what you are trying to communicate. For example:
“You didn’t empty the dishwasher.” Instead try, “I am concerned because I asked you to empty the dishwasher and it is still full.”
“You make me so angry when you do x!” Instead try, “I have noticed I get angry when you do x.”
“You are so short-sighted and refuse to see the big picture.” Instead try, “I am concerned that you are not seeing the big picture and are focusing on x instead of z.”
By using “I” statements, you are relieving the other person of blame and expressing what your concerns are around a given situation. This can be particularly helpful with teenagers - it allows more space for conversation instead of directly placing blame.
Another tricky word choice is the word “can’t”. This word can undermine you effort when you are trying to change a behavior. By saying “I can’t” you are skipping your own intention. I have to catch myself on this one a lot - it is often not a “can’t” situation but something I am mindfully not doing. For instance:
“I can’t eat that hamburger because I don’t eat meat.” A better way to deflect your answer is to add definition, “I am not eating meat right now, so I will pass on the hamburger.”
What if you are the designated driver (or don’t want to drink alcohol one night)? Instead of saying, “Oh I can’t drink tonight because of x.” - which I have found often leads to “Can’t you have just one?” Now I say, “I have chosen to not drink tonight.” The response often shuts down further questioning which is nice when you may be struggling with your decision.
A fun one to work on is the word “but”. This one can be really annoying, especially when someone gives you a compliment then adds the word “but” to take that compliment away. In a nutshell, “but” negates everything before it. For instance, “This is a really good dinner, but you didn’t use any meat.” This translates to “This was good but not really.” This is a word that comes up again and again and is a hard habit (for me!) to break. If you need a conjunction, use the word “and” so the statement remains positive. “This is a really good dinner, and I can’t believe there is no meat.” The second part acknowledges there is no meat but doesn’t change that the meal was great. Or you can just stop after “This is a really good dinner.”
To communicate more mindfully and efficiently, try avoiding these words or phrases;
You should, I should - instead create a positive sentence that shows you are in control of your decision.
“I” statements instead of “You” statements.
Instead of “I can’t” use “I choose…” or “I am not…”.
Avoid the word “but”, instead use “and”.
Tell me below in the comments, a word or phrase you actively avoid.
Once you become aware of these few word choices, you will see how often they are used, both by yourself and others. Or maybe you are way ahead of the game and phased out these words/phrases years ago! When I first heard about these words/phrases, I thought the concept was a little too “new-age” and basically rolled my eyes. So I listened and learned and started to see the harm they can do. While I still use them, I try to be aware of using them and quickly rephrase my statements. I have found that when I am in a charged situation, my language can make a big difference in either blowing up the situation or disarming the situation. Let me know in the comments if you avoid any words or phrases.